Comforting yourself??

How many times do you ‘reward’ or comfort yourself because you feel you deserve it?  Often we reach out for ‘comfort food’, a cigarette or glass of wine because the mood strikes us or it has become a habit. The reasons we find may be varied. Sometimes it is boredom, it seems to make you feel better, you feel you deserve it – it helps you unwind at the end of the day or it gives you a few moments to yourself to contemplate the world. Whatever need that caused you to use that comfort the first time, most likely works at a subconscious level today.  In order to change that habit you may want to pause and reflect on that ‘first’ time and what it represented to you and how it is still relevant today.  It may stem as far back as when you were a child. That sweet treat may represent a feeling of being loved or that cigarette may be something that you did that your parents didn’t know about and gave you a feeling of power. What form does your comfort take?  Is it food, laying on the couch, inactivity, a cigarette or a glass of wine?  How many comforts do you give yourself each day or each week and what do you tell yourself to justify it? Many times the feeling afterward can be guilt, the reward is short lived and sometimes some people feel ashamed. This then makes you feel worse so you do it all again to make yourself feel momentarily better again! It may be that you forgot about even feeling better and now it is just all a bad habit that you wish you could shake. 

Instead of comforting yourself when you deserve it – try celebrating yourself. How do you like to celebrate? Do you want everyone to know or would you want to keep it to yourself? In what ways could you celebrate yourself so you don’t continually reward yourself with things that are not good for you?  How many bad foods or bad habits do you need to have before you realize you are not comforting yourself and in fact disrespecting yourself? Will it be a bar of chocolate, a few lollies or chips every day for the next 5 years? Who is that respecting and how worthy do you feel?

 You may like to think that if you eat or drink you may as well have something you like and enjoy – and rightfully so in this world of plentiful food and plentiful choices. If you choose to have something on the less than healthy food option – do you have a boundary or do you eat so much of it all the time it is now an ingrained habit more than a comfort? By creating a boundary you can know that when you have it – you do deserve it and you won’t be left with that feeling of guilt. There are plenty of guilt-free options if you want to consider them. When do you decide how much is too much?  How do you know and when will you tell yourself?  What will be the alarm bell in your head going off to say it is time to stop and think?  Perhaps first, you need to consider some of the consequences of living an unhealthy existence.  What health problems do your parents have? Genetically inheritable diseases play a major role in the health outcomes we can expect.  Do you have a family history of diabetes or heart disease? If you are a smoker you may feel the warnings on cigarette packets do not necessarily apply to you. What would be your wake up call? The reality may be for 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years of pleasure you may have the same number of years in a diseased state. At what point would you consider your comfort is no longer a comfort?  The impact of any chronic diseased state will affect others around you and  impact on the options you have for your own life and independence. When the pain of staying the same out weighs the pain of changing, most likely then a shift will happen. How much more powerful would you be, if you could beat that challenge now before the pain gets so bad and it really gets tough? So how else could you take a moment to celebrate yourself – to say “I had an achievement today!” – no matter how big or how small?  What could you do for yourself that respects you and respects your body?  As you are reading this – try patting yourself on the back – how does it feel?  It may feel a little contrived but you could admit it did make you feel that little bit better. Think about your hobbies or things you really enjoy doing. Perhaps there is something there that you could take to enjoy for 1, 5 or 30 minutes? You could also ‘save up’ for a big celebration – buy  something nice, take a night off, pamper yourself. Make a little brag book for yourself with all the great and wonderful things you have accomplished – from the little stuff to the big stuff. This is also a great tool to look at when you have your “down” or less focused days. If you really want to look – you will have something to celebrate in each and every day. You may celebrate the fact that you took time to exercise, you helped a friend, you helped yourself, you said ‘no’ when you usually say ‘yes’. You could celebrate the great health you and your family have today.  If you think about your day and it doesn’t seem that great, celebrate the fact that it could have been even more challenging than it was. If it was challenging – what did you learn? Now -  there is cause for celebration! If you look at life in a more open and grateful way – you will find less need for the comfort and more reason for celebration. What could happen if you celebrated all the great things or small things in your life just a little bit more? Take a look at my ‘Place for gratitude’ and share some of yours if you like.

So what about those New Year Resolutions?

With this Christmas upon us, I thought it was timely to talk about resolutions. I wonder how many of us actually make a resolution and how many follow through with what that is. The easiest thing for any of us is to stay the same, each day – that way we know what to expect and we know how to respond. So what is it about change that can make it so challenging? Many things that hold us back from change can be the doubt or fears we hold in our own minds about what is possible. We may fear if we challenge something, we may not get it right the first time, someone will think badly of us or even get angry. We may think we couldn’t do it, maybe we don’t even really want to do it – yet. What we are doing now gives us so much comfort. How long are you willing to live with that comfort before it no longer feels comfortable? Or – what would you regret if you never took the opportunity to do what you really wanted to when you had the chance?? Consider you are at the end of your life – what would you like to look back on? Is there some nasty habit you wish you had broken, is there something exciting you would like to have tried such as skydiving or scuba diving? Did you want to write a book, travel, change jobs or spend more time just being??  Many of these things are at your fingertips if you are willing to commit to giving it a go. The reality of it all is that many of us give up just when we are about to succeed. So – what are the real costs of not following through on your New Years Resolution?  Will another year simply sail by and nothing really change? What feelings do you get when you meet someone you haven’t seen for a while and they tell you about some major accomplishments they have made? Does that leave you thinking – ‘well I haven’t really done anything’ and leave you feeling a bit empty or worthless? Would you like to be that person with their nose to the wind sniffing out the next opportunity or simply enjoying the journey of life?  Would you like to be the person that thinks life is pretty good, has a relaxed persona and nothing ever seems to be a problem. What could you do in your life to give yourself some of that right now – today? How often do we wish our lives away? When we are at school we just want to finish, learn to drive and start to live.  Once you find your first real job, what are you thinking now? Maybe you have young children and every day seems filled with burden. Maybe you have teenagers and you are still trying to work out where their personalities have gone. Maybe the kids are off your hands and you find your nest is empty and you don’t quite know how to fill it again.  So looking to your year ahead, sit back and ponder about something that gets you excited, something that fills you with joy, contentment or just puts a smile on your face.  Could that be the New Years Resolution you will be resolute to? If your resolution is to quit smoking or lose weight – think hard about what rewards maintaining the comfort zone you are now in. Consider what the downfalls are. Which side is winning? Now think about what your life would look and feel like if you were able to control and act positively against your nasty habit. Is that something that is putting a smile on your face? The only things you need to achieve this are commitment and a place to find the support you need on your way. For smokers, it may be finding support through the use of nicotine replacement therapy, having your partner quit at the same time, asking for positive reinforcement from those around you or creating a daily journal of what is happening for you with a written goal to support your focus. If you want to manage your weight – do you in your heart and mind truly believe you can do it?? Commit to this with a positive affirmation of I can do it and I will do it! Get the information you need on diet or exercise. Use a support program if it helps you strengthen your focus and don’t give up! Find a friend to work out with and again get those around you to support and encourage you. You are worth it! Don’t think that if you have a bad day that it means every day after that will be a bad day too. As you begin to make some positive gains, tap into that power and positiveness will grow inside you. You may think I tried that before and it didn’t work or I did not succeed. Past experiences do not necessarily mean that pattern will repeat itself. The key is to look back at that past experience and learn from it. What could you do this time to overcome a previous challenge? Remember again, many people give up just before they really succeed.  Your goals could be more aligned with a lifestyle change, career change or travel. Spend some time visualizing what this will look like so you know exactly what you need to go after. With a clear picture in your mind, it is far easier to find the action steps you need to put this change in place. Before the 1^st of January, create an action list of 100 steps – the smaller the better, to piece together what you need to do to attain your goal. These steps can include a bit of self care on the way.  If you don’t have a clue about what change you need to make, take stock of how much fulfillment you get from your life today. If your life is OK but you don’t exactly walk around with a smile on your face each day – your resolution could be to look for 3 positive things in your day, each day. You will be surprised how filling your life with the gratitude of what you have already can change your perspective. This can really change your life! So for your New Years Resolution, think about what would make this coming year different from those years before it. Whatever you decide – COMMIT to it and TRUST yourself you CAN do it! Let the journey begin….